Tuesday, December 2, 2008

The Christmas Underpants

Last week I got a book for a really good friend called "The Christmas Jar" - It's a great book that is full of Christmas spirit and inspiration, as all of those Christmas books are. Jon's mom and I then started talking about the book "The Christmas Shoes" and Jon thought it was so funny - he said "there are always books called 'The Christmas This' and 'The Christmas That' - Next thing you know, there will be a story called 'The Christmas Underpants'!"
Now of course we all laughed at this ridiculous notion, but my crazy brain could not let the idea go....
So here you have it, the debut of my own little Christmas story:

The Christmas Underpants
Malori Jo Saline

Jeffrey was a very intelligent little boy. Ever since he turned the ripe old age of 4 1/2 he was already writing his name and reading chapter books. He enjoyed doing simple multiplication in his spare time, and especially enjoyed Sherlock Holmes and other mysteries.
As Christmas approached Mom started her usual preparations for the holiday. She started baking and decorating and hanging up the stockings. Jeffrey was sure this was very ridiculous - who wants a tree in their living room?
One night Mom asked Jeffrey if he would like to write a letter to Santa. "Who is this Santa fellow?" Jeffrey asked.
"Well, Santa is the Father of Christmas! He lives at the North Pole with Mrs. Claus and the elves who make the toys. Every Christmas Eve he loads up his sleigh with gifts and the eight flying reindeer take him to every child in the world guided by the glowing red nose of Rudolph - the lead reindeer. The sleigh lands on the rooftops of the children and Santa comes down the chimney and fills the stocking and leaves gifts. We are going to have to leave some cookies out for him because he loves sweets! Isn't that exciting Jeffy?" Mom got more and more excited as the story went on.
Jeffrey thought this over for a few minutes. His look was puzzled. Finally, pushing his glasses up on his nose, he replied, "How does one sweet-loving fat man get to ever child in the world in one night? How does his fat belly - it must be fat after eating cookies from every child in the world - fit down the chimney? What if you don't have a chimney? How do reindeer fly? It seems a little suspect to me mother. Not to mention, nobody can live on the North Pole, the climate simply won't permit it."
"It's magic dear." Mom explained patiently, "Now you go work on your letter telling Santa what you would like for Christmas and we will put it in the mailbox before dinner."
Mom walked off quietly humming "Jingle Bells" and leaving Jeffrey alone with his thoughts.
At dinner Jeffrey was unusually quiet during dinner dismissing the questions about his Santa letter. He left the table very quickly and headed to his room before dessert.
Billy, Jeffrey's older brother, noticed his odd behavior and (after eating dessert) followed Jeffrey. When he opened the door he saw the sweet little boy holding his teddy bear and crying. Billy walked to the bed and sat down, "What's up little brother?"
Jeffrey looked into the calm eyes of his teenage brother and started sobbing, "Our mother is planning on letting a complete stranger - a magical stranger named "Santa"- into our home in the middle of the night after we are all asleep! She actually trusts him to leave us presents, but I have read numerous books about robbers posing as do-gooders only to murder everyone in the house! I just can't believe that she would endanger our lives this way!"
"Jeff, that is ridiculous. Santa doesn't murder people, he leaves presents. He is a jolly man with a belly like a bowl full of jello! What is so bad about that? Trust me brother, you don't have anything to worry about."
Jeffrey was obviously not convinced, so Billy told him to wait right there. He left and a few minutes later returned holding a pair of flame colored boxers.
"Do you know what these are?" Billy asked, sounding mystical.
"Your dirty laundry."
"No, these are the Christmas Underpants! If you wear these underpants on Christmas night, Santa won't see you and so you will have nothing to worry about. You will wake up and see all of the presents and know that Santa is a good guy."
Christmas Eve came and after a large dinner, some singing next to Mom's piano and reading the story of Christ's birth in the Bible, they all headed to bed. Jeffrey wasn't entirely convinced that the underpants would work, but he wasn't going to take any chances. He pulled on the flame boxers. He had to tie the waist in a not to keep them from falling down, and he had to roll up the legs to keep from tripping. He climbed in his bed and waited.
He waited and waited and wai.......fell asleep.
Jeffrey awoke to a loud crash followed by the ringing of bells. Quietly he climbed out of bed, down the stairs and hid behind the couch in the living room - and he saw him. The big fat man with a long white beard and the strangest red suit Jeffrey had ever seen. He watched the stranger pull his giant sack up to the tree and then he bent to lift something out of it.
Jeffrey let out a little squeak. He was sure it would be a rifle, or a ninja sword or something equally as dangerous. Santa turned around and looked for the source of the sound, but didn't see the little boy with too-big-for-him flame boxers. He turned and set the first brightly wrapped gift under the tree.
The little boy was so startled by this magical man. "Billy was telling the truth! He must have been telling the truth about the underpants too!"
So, he climbed out from behind the couch and walked right up to Santa.
"You can't see me because of my Christmas Underpants, but I can see you and I am so happy you aren't a murdering robber!"
Santa didn't look at the boy but continued to work with a little smirk on his face.
Jeffrey climbed up on the couch and settled in and watch the man. Soon he was fast asleep.
The next morning Billy jumped on the couch waking his sleeping brother.
"So, how'd it go? Nobody was murdered and we weren't even robbed...do you believe me now?"
Jeffrey was so excited to tell Billy what he had seen! He explained every detail of the story "...and he didn't even see me! I walked right up to him and he didn't even see me! Thank you so much for these magical underpants!"
They started opening their presents - Billy got a new snowboard, and a new pair of underwear, Jeffrey got a complete Encyclopedia set, and Mom got a brand new cookbook. It was the best Christmas Jeffrey had ever, or would ever have thanks to his Christmas Underpants!
And you can bet that every Christmas, no matter how old he got, Jeffrey always wore those flame boxers, and Santa never saw him......
The End

Ok, it's not going to win any prizes - not even worth publishing - but hopefully it brought a smile to your day and a little Christmas spirit into your world...........and now Jon, there is even a Christmas Underpants story!!


Brenden+Nikki said...

um I beg to differ. I think you should send it to a publisher! I thought it was great!

Terra Lynn said...

Are you kidding me...this, like all your other "kids" stories, should be illustrated and published!! You have an amazing talent and really should pursue it. I loved this story through the tears in my eyes. Is this my Chirstmas present?
I love you!

Laurie said...

Okay, it is HILARIOUS to me that you wrote a story about Christmas underpants! That is AWESOME! :)

Alex said...

I loved this story. It was darling. You should get someone to publish it. It's a great Christmas story and only a mind like yours could come up with it. I'm printing it out and sending it to my Mom. It's that awesome.

Shellee said...

Hi Malori,
I loved your story, I hope that you don't mind that I linked it into my site. You are an awesome writer and you story already brought someone some joy, ME!
Thanks for sharing and writing such a cute story!