Sunday, April 4, 2010

Patience Is a Virtue

Some of you already know this story. Some of you only know bits and pieces of this story. Some of you don't know anything about this story. But I feel like I should share it with you, not so you will feel badly for me - that is not my intention at all - but instead to just get it off of my chest and help me feel better about it, and maybe to help someone out there who is feeling alone in their trials. Beside, how would this family journal be complete without every story of our family?

In August of 2008 Jon and I decided that we wanted to start a family. We had prayed and fasted and gone to the temple and we felt that it was the right time for us to have a baby. Naturally we were both very excited about the idea. We had stopped taking birth control pills a few months before and were using other methods of protection because the pill was making me feel cranky and unpleasant all the time, so we thought that we were ready - my body was free of birth control and we would soon be pregnant.

A few months went by...we were casually counting the days of my cycle and trying to determine ovulation just based on that, and we were not too concerned. It takes a while for this kind of thing to happen after all, and we weren't sure that the birth control was entirely out of my system.

I continued to try to eat good foods and avoid anything that would be hazardous to a pregnancy (if I were to become pregnant, I didn't want anything in my system that would be dangerous). I refused to take any medicine, I never drank caffeine, and was trying to eat things that I knew would give me the vitamins I would need to carry a healthy baby.

A few more months went by and we started to get a little bit worried....this was taking longer than we planned. Still, we didn't get too freaked out. Sometimes these things take time and we would just wait. Besides, we were still getting the kinks worked out about our financial plan for a baby, so we could wait.

A few more months went by. We got the fanciest insurance plan available through my job so we were sure to be covered when we did get pregnant. We discussed what we would do financially. We moved in to a cleaner apartment with an extra bedroom and I daydreamed about how I would decorate it for a nursery. Why was this taking so long?

A year went by - and by this time we were a little bit concerned. My sister-in-law suggested we buy the 20 day ovulation kit. for those of you who aren't familiar with this, it is a kit with little sticks you pee on (kind of like a pregnancy test) that indicate when you are ovulating, so you are sure not to miss it. I used the kit faithfully, but there were many months were the sticks never "turned blue" to indicate that I was ovulating. Naturally, this made me a little nervous.

I scheduled an appointment with an OB/GYN that I had never heard of, but that was close to my house. I was due for my annual visit anyways (girls, don't we love that annual visit) so I decided to kill two birds with one stone and ask him about pre-conception and why my sticks weren't turning blue while I was there.

It was without a doubt the worst doctor's appointment I had ever had! He was the worst doctor I had ever had and I was very uncomfortable and angry when I left - but that is another story. When I asked him about the ovulation sticks, he asked if I had periods - I said that I did, and he said, in a tone that suggested that I was the biggest idiot on the planet, that if I had periods I must ovulate so I had nothing to worry about. we continued to do the counting. I continued to research. I read everything I could get my hands on - every article the internet had to offer, every youtube video, every book from the library or Barnes and Noble - everything! I am an expert on getting pregnant! And we followed all the rules. I ate cinnamon almonds and made Jon eat tomato soup and popcorn as these things were certain to increase fertility, and that is only the tip of the iceberg. Poor Jon had to do so many crazy things!

Then we went to another doctor. This one was much better, but she said that we had to get Jon tested first because we have to rule the man out before we even test the woman.

This was a problem.

You see, we had gotten insurance for me because I was the one who would be getting pregnant, but we could not afford insurance for Jon as well. How would we be able to afford a test like that?

So, we waited and counted and more months went by.....

Then it was time for my next annual appointment (ok, I was really late for it, but I was fed up with these doctors and their lack of answers, so I was not jumping for joy to make that appointment) so I scheduled it with yet another doctor.

While we were there we again asked about our problems with getting pregnant. By this time it was 19 months, and we were very concerned - we are young and healthy, why are we having these problems?

This doctor ordered some blood tests on me and explained that they would test me to see if there was something obvious in my blood, and if it looked like I was fine, then we would test Jon. This was music to our ears!! Finally a step in the right direction, and it wouldn't break the bank!

I went and got my blood work done, and a week later went back to the office for an ultrasound and the results of my blood work. The doctor came in and explained that I had a cyst on my right ovary, but that it looked like it was going to go away or burst on it's own so they weren't too worried about that, but what they were worried about was my progesterone level. She explained that the progesterone level should be at an 8 or higher (10 or 11 is average), but that mine was at a 1. This means that I rarely, if ever, ovulate. Finally an answer!!!

She wrote me a prescription for Clomid - a drug that triggers something in your brain to help release eggs - gave me the instructions on how to take it and that was that.

Well, I finished my round of Clomid about a week ago. This coming up week I go back for another blood test and then it's back to the doctor where I will see if my progesterone level is higher and if they need to up my dose for the next month.

The medicine makes me feel pretty crappy. Very tired, sometimes nauseous, extra moody and emotional - but in spite of that, I am so excited to be on the right track towards starting a family! A few nights ago, Jon and I were driving home when I just burst into tears. He asked me what was wrong, and I didn't have an answer because I didn't know why I was crying - but I did tell him that I was so grateful for how terrible I was feeling because I knew that the medicine was doing something!

This has been the greatest trial for both of us, but we have been so blessed in so many other things. We can't help but recognize the Lord's hand in our lives - we know that He hears our prayers and knows the righteous desires of our hearts. The best we can do is keep praying, keep living the commandments, keep being positive, and put our trust in Him.

Maybe He is trying to teach us that patience is a virtue.


***LIZ*** said...

I hope that this works, you and Jon will be the BEST parents. Any baby who comes to your home will be so lucky to have you.

Shellee said...

My Sweet Malori!
You are not alone and I know of many women who have gone through the same thing. I've been there! If you do need to talk, please call me, I know that everyone is different and the Lord has a different plan that what we expect.
I have been going to a pregnancy/infertility specialist for 15 years. It's the only way that we have ended up with children. He's the most understanding Dr and it took us 10 months on Clomid to get Aaron. It was some of the most tough months of my life. You will have moments of emotional unstability and it's normal. Your hormones are getting pumped right now.
Like I said, call me, I've been there.
Also, check out Arizona Reproductive Centers, they are wonderful.

Kay and Krystal said...

You are just so sweet and positive! Your little ones will be so so lucky to have you and Jon as parents! I hope that it all works for you guys. That is a very long time to be patient, but it will be so so so worth it in the end.

ShawntelRaylene said...

It will happen Malori, I know it! I will pray for the two of you too. You will be the best mom for any child that blesses your life.

Brenden+Nikki said...

Man those stinkin' lessons in patience! I think those are rough (I am still trying to learn that in many ways myself as Brenden always so willingly reminds me). But I know that any baby that comes into your lives will be one special baby. I mean think of it - all this time on earth YOU'VE been preparing to be parents, your little baby has been with Heavenly Father preparing for HIS/HER life down here. With all that extra time for preparation...makes you think of all the possibilities of greatness that are in store! :)

Love you guys!

Malori said...

Thank you so much for all of the encouragement! We are just going to keep trying and hope for the best.
We really appreciate all of the prayers.

Jim and Brooke said...

Malorie and Jon,
WE LOVE YOU!!! You will be in our prayers!!

Rob and Kimmie said...

You really will be the best mother ever!!! You are so sweet and dear and patient in your trial! There is a perfect little baby up there patiently waiting to be with you too(:

JeremyandErica said...

Hey malorie long time no see> I know exactly what you are going through. Jeremy have been trying to have a baby for 4 years and it is very frusterating. We have tried the clomid but my body didn't respond very well to it. I wasn't ovulating like I should so all of our timing was off. I finally gave up like a year ago. We need something else but just can't afford it.Just hang in there I hope you have better luck with the clomid than I did. And yes it makes you feel actually like you are pregnant. Good luck Malori I hope it all works out for you ;)

Laurie said...

Oh, Malori, bless your sweet heart. One of my sisters-in-law had cysts and had to do the Clomid thing, too. I haven't had this particular struggle myself (obviously - because how could I explain THAT to Bishop?), but I know and love a lot of people who have. You and Jon will be truly fabulous parents! Hang in there, kiddo. I'll be praying for you and your little family. :-)